A Mr. Pibb Rebuttal

Hey Pepper
You’re not even a real doctor.
You’re just a fat old man
Who can’t handle a little challenge.
You know I’m not a college dropout
But the #1 draft pick of the NBA,
The National Beverage Association.
I climbed to the tippy top
Of the Mountain of Dew
And I have spit on the soda pop land below.
I have bitched slapped Coca and Pepsi,
The Cola brothers,
Including their redneck cousin RC.
I even married the love of my life,
The beautiful Cherry Coke,
I think you already know her.
And like my father,
Senor Brown Water,
I retired early,
Leaving my son, Pibb Xtra in charge.
Now my life is full
Of early morning tee times,
Month long Caribbean vacations,
And my favorite Lazy Sundays,
Where me plus Red Vines
Equals crazy delicious.
Now don’t be getting jealous D.P.
Cause I’m sure you’ve accomplished
A lot in your years.
After all, you are way more Tom Jones
Than J. Timberlake.

Ode to the Doctor

You Scrumptious Surgeon of Sweetness,
You Pleasing Pathologist for the Palette,
You Flavorful Doctor Feelgood.
What, you didn’t know?
Motley Crew sang a song about you.

You are the Chief of Medicine
In the busy Beverage Hospital.
Not some nobody nurse
Who makes her rounds,
Stabilizing taste buds
With her fruity Fanta antidotes.
Nah, you are
The cure for the common cola.
You write prescriptions for parchness.
A twenty-one ounce IV bag of
Cinnamony syrup packed with caffeine
That runs straight into the vein
Of thirst.

You are a confident man,
With no wish to become a Rockstar
Or bullshit dreams of getting wings.
You are satisfied with your PHD
In Thirstquenchinology,
And the many years of sleep-
Less study nights it took to get that
Magna cum Laude.

Not like that jobless has-been
Mr. Pibb,
Who dropped outta college on day one,
The ladies love you
And your fit contoured body.
You are more popular with the ladies
Than if Tom Jones fused with Justin
Timberlake.
Your fan mail comes by the truckloads,
Chock full of phone numbers,
Perfumed scented panties,
And even naughty photographs.
Who cares about Cherry Coke,
That fine ass girl from your school days
When Ginger Ale is sending you pictures
Without her top on.

Oh yeah…
You da man Dr. Pepper,
You da man.

Writer’s Block

Sprawled across the bed,
Comfortably covered in the comforter,
As the ceiling fan circulates
The cold air around the room.
My head, still wet from the shower,
Rests nicely on my pillowcase.
Yaawwnnn!
So tired…
All I want to do is sleep,
But I’m stuck awake,
Trying to write one last poem.
Racking my brain for ideas,
But my mind is empty for once.
Maybe it’s the continuous doses
Of nite-time Tylenol cough syrup
And the 4am alarm clock
From yesterday morning.
The Knight’s of Prosperity
Playing on TV
Sure doesn’t help with the process.
It’s just one distraction
After another,
When delaying the inevitable
And putting off what’s required;
Just one more poem for the week…
But, Lost is on.

Memoirs of a Possum

It’s dark out,
I like the dark,
The dark is good,
The dark is my friend.
It keeps me safe,
Safe from the bad,
Safe from my enemies,
From the predators.
The moon is just a crescent,
Just a sliver of light,
Casting long shadows,
Across the quiet ground.
No movement to be seen,
No sounds to be heard,
No crickets, no dogs, no nothing,
Silence… dead silence…. to quiet.
I need to be careful tonight,
I’m scared tonight,
It’s quiet tonight,
To quiet in fact and dark,
I like the dark.
Wait…Did you hear that?
I think I heard a cricket chirp…
Wait, there it is again, that’s no cricket,
It’s louder now; it’s coming this way…
What do I do, what do I do!
UUGGHHH!
Is it gone? Did it see me?
What was that?
It was fast… real fast,
Too fast in fact… I better go.
Look… over there.
A trash can.
I bet it’s full of food.
Sweet delicious food,
Yummy food.
Food!



I can’t wait to see what’s inside,
Spaghetti and meatballs,
Brown rotten apples,
Fuzzy dinner rolls,
A doggy bag from the Outback,
An Ice Cream Sundae!
Wait… that sound is back.
What could it be?
It’s loud,
So loud…
And scary….
UUGGHHH!
Whew, that was close,
Very close,
To close for comfort.
What was it? I couldn’t see it…
It was dark, really dark…
Ooo… dark chocolate,
Who throws away dark chocolate?
My belly is so full,
Full of yum yums,
Full of goodness,
Full of greatness,
Of great-goodness!
Wait… there it is again.
It’s closer this time…
I’m going go look for it.
There in the distance…
Coming right at me…
It’s beautiful….
So pretty,
So bright,
So big,
So….. Splat!

Two Foot Ted

Early one morning
Tucked into his bed,
Lay two foot Ted
Pretending to be dead.

“No school today Darling,”
His mother had said.
“It snowed last night
And it’s over your head.”

Leaving his pillow
And the blanket he shed,
Ran two foot Ted,
To the window he sped.

Everything was covered
Like a big snowy bed,
As far as he could see
For miles it spread.

Filled with excitement
He jumped on his bed.
Bounced two foot Ted,
Til his face had turned red.

“Come down for breakfast,
It’s time to be fed.”
“No time for toast Mom,
I’ll settle for bread.”

Leaping through the air
No danger to dread,
Flew two foot Ted
From the foot of his bed.

He dressed in a hurry
And from his room he fled.
Into the kitchen
When his mother had said,

“Make sure you eat something
And watch where you tread.”
But two foot Ted
Rolled his eyes instead.

So he wolfed down his food
To the last tiny shred,
While strawberry jelly
Made his lips really red.

Standing in the doorway
Looking at the snow bed
Stared two foot Ted,
At his half buried shed.

Remembering his Mom
And what she had said,
He knew he was crazy
And dove in with his sled.

All covered in snow
Way over his head
Lay two foot Ted
Pretending to be dead.

When It Rained

I stare blankly out the window
At the chilly February day,
As memories of her come flooding back.
The day we first met,
Her vivacious body,
Her Betty Davis eyes,
Her long flowing hair,
And her crescent moon smile
That captured my heart in an instant.
The way she smelled, moved, and kissed.
Even the way she looked
Sleeping, laying next to me.
The way she would stare for hours
Out the bedroom window
And watch the raindrops dance through the air,
She always liked it when it rained.

It’s only fitting now
That I am standing here
Watching the rain fall to the ground
As my breath fogs up the window.
My tears, fall like the raindrops,
Landing at my feet
And blanketing the floor
With shallow little puddles.
I’m surrounded by loved ones
But I’m all alone.
She always liked it when it rained.

Life’s Quest

Waking up
To the repetitive chirping
Of an overly annoying
1989 alarm clock.
Hitting the off switch
And powering up
The machine that you are.
Filling the room with a gentle humming
As you yawn and stretch.

Click, Click, Click
Go the multi-colored buttons
On the control pad of my body,
Forcing me to get up and start my day.
UpupdowndownleftrightleftrightABselectstart.
There is no infinite lives code
In this game called Life.
We only have one life
With no chance at a 1-Up
No matter how many coins we collect.

Only one life to live
Before we meet our inevitable doom,
Our Game Over.
It’s so much pressure to live up to
Considering we all have a destiny to fulfill
And only one chance to accomplish it.
Whether it is to…
Rescue the beautiful Princess
Or triumph over the forces of evil.
Locate the lost treasures of the world
Or win the coveted championship.
Clearing your name
For a crime you never committed
Or even saving the world,
From a horde of giant robots
Bent of the complete destruction
Of human civilization.


There is no easy difficulty
Only the very hard setting.
There are no save points along your path either.
There is no hitting the rest button
And starting all over from scratch.
There’s only you,
The choices that you decide on,
The friends that you discover,
And the enemies that you establish,
That help influence your righteous journey
Through the always changing twists and turns
Of this game called Life.

So whatever your destiny maybe
Good Luck and Farewell,
And remember,
Somebody is always counting on you
To succeed on your life’s quest.